I was dreaming that I was visiting Dayton with a friend and we woke up one morning and wanted to receive Jesus. The campus was really messed up along with the world. So we went down to the dining place and outside of it in the gathering area there were locked cabinets that had the Eucharist in them. So somebody gave me the key, I opened it and got enough for all of us, there was everybody I knew there so that was about 10 people mostly from Dayton. So I got it out and everybody started to form a line and I panicked since they wanted me to give it to them but I was not an Eucharistic minister, so I said a little prayer to God so that he would understand why I am giving out the Eucharist even though I am not a Eucharistic minister. So I started to give it out and about 3 people later two friends in the line realized that I was not a minister and that I did not say the Nicene Creed before I started to give it out, since that was required. I knew that I just forgot since I was in a panic mode. So somebody else took the Eucharist away from me and they gave it to everybody.

What makes this dream so weird is that I was at Dayton a Catholic College but it was pretty corrupt in that there was no masses for anyone. There were few priest in the country and they would travel around to have masses to concencrate the Eucharist for that mass and enough for the next few months until he was able to come back again. This was the new exception in our land and all of us knew it was corrupt but otherwise we would not be able to receive communion. We followed the rules that we knew were correct like saying the Nicene Creed even though it was not required nor did anyone else pray it before receiving communion.

I ponder what i need to consider as my future of vocations.

In this journal I will try to describe the girl i would like to date. In all these qualifications i strive to meet them also. I want a girl who loves me before they know me. I want a girl who looks at everything objectively. I want a girl who knows what her body is telling her and how to deal with it accordingly. I want a girl who cares for me and adores me but does it for Jesus. I want a girl who gives me a second chance before I even needed it. I want a girl who is like me who views people and life like I just described.

Now for a description of these things. A girl who loves me before they even know me is a pretty simple one, examples are saving sex, trying to better yourself before you know the person you are going to meet just so you can show them your best and one who loves everyone. I want a girl who knows what her body is telling her and how to deal with it accordingly is described by dressing modest and no crazy "get it on" drive. I want a girl who cares for me and adores me but does it for Jesus means that she does things that affect me but are for Jesus, Jesus is always the reason why anything good is done. I just happen to be the receiver along with Jesus. I want a girl who gives me a second chance before I even needed it, this describes Jesus's love for us. No matter what we do as long as we are sorry he WILL forgive us. I will mess up because I am human and I try my hardest not to screw up but sometimes I will. And when that something happens I will be really sorry for it like I have been. And to continue on with happy lives and for a better day I will need to be forgiven. Mistakes are in the equation of life but unforgivenesses is not.

The equation of our lives should be “Jesus=Life” our lives should equal Jesus but since we are human we make that equation a lot more messy. Jesus=Life is an equal equation which is what we should strive for. But we add hate in that equation then it turns into Jesus>Life + Hate. But we can even it out by saying Jesus=Life + Hate + Love. See the love and hate cancel each other out. With our lives we can make that equation as messy as we desire but in the end when we stand before God he will do the math and hopefully your equation of life is true.

The priest life versus the married life. I've listed the benefits on some other journal entry before but I haven't listed the difficulty. I'm pretty sure that marriage is much more difficult than the brotherhood. The difficulty lever doesn't scare me away. I believe that marriage would be more difficulty mostly because of my financial future. This all starts with my inability to memorize things. This has greatly hindered my education especially at the college level. I am scared of more classes because right now I am barely passing or have failed my classes. They only get harder and harder. If I get to a point where I cannot go any further in schooling, I'm stuck with half of a college education but no degree. In this society no degree means that I am nothing and a nobody. I would like to fix computer and make websites. But starting my own business is not easy and not promising. Its almost luck. Right now at the pace I am going at with school I will not get my degree. I know I have a mind that can learn and I know that I am smart but I cannot learn the way society wants me to learn at these colleges. It is really frustrating and scary at the same time. If I knew I wanted to be single this would be a whole different story but for now my plan is to give my wife the option to stay at home. In fact thats what I prefer when the kids are little for someone to stay home. I don't want to juggle jobs and time being with the kids. I just really don't want my life to be limited because of my money. Limited in the way we live and mostly the amount of kids.

This kinda leads into my biggest fear of all and that is not being able to have kids because of me. I believe my stuff works but I don't really have any proof that it does. That would be the worst possible thing to happen in a marriage cause its the whole point of marriage. I know there is adoption but it's not quite the same, i don't think.

I have also been thinking about what I cant live without. First of all I cant live without good long hugs. I haven't had a good long hug from any one in such a long time. The second thing is long deep conversations. I can never get enough of those talks. Lately I've had a few and they have been good but I still long for more of those. The third thing is to cry with tears of joy. A lot of times I feel the need to cry. I think my soul is searching for something to fill it because I only cry when I feel there is God in something. Seeing a girl try hard to do what is right and me seeing God in her makes me cry of joy. I cant imagine after my wife gave birth to a child and not crying. I cant imagine holding my wife in my arms and not crying. I would be so thankful for my wife and so grateful that something so God filled and so beautiful came to me that I would cry. So if I take these three things and fit them into a vocation, marriage is the answer only because the long hugs I'm talking about come from girls, not from nuns, that wouldn't go over very well nowadays. I can get the long conversations definitely from being a priest. So from these three things and from hanging out with girls I have been wanting a girlfriend more and more.

Love is kind, patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth but not in the evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.

To simplify things the passage above describes the type of girl I am looking for. It also describes exactly what I strive for so my lover may be happy. This would fix every problem we can think of in relationships and even after the relationship is done. Let me explain this passage and relate it to relationships. Love is kind is self explanatory, the kindness you give is the kindness you get back. Patients is waiting, sometimes you need to wait for your lover to make a decision or you need patience for them to change a bad habit or anything that the two of you have talked about to resolve. Jealousy is a hard one to control but easy to control the actions of jealousy. Jealousy causes many other problems in the kind, rude, and mostly quick tempered categories. Boastful mostly effects yourself and inhibits your ability to give to others when your only concern is with your self image. Your self image should not matter to your lover, they love you for who you are. Rude is like kindness, you get what you give. Selfish, concerning only yourself will not get you anywhere. This one is more clear when I say you get what you give. If everything is for yourself and you give nothing, nothing is given to you to. You loose twice and your lover looses also. You cannot love and not give. Quick tempered goes along with kind, rude, and patient. We are human we make mistakes, reacting to those mistakes quickly with resentment, judgment, and hostility. This provokes more anger. Reacting quickly with these actions prevents any forgiveness. This act pushed you lover down on the ground instead of understanding and helping your lover out so that in the long run it will help them and you. It does not keep a record of wrongs is a very important one. Nothing will be fixed or renewed in a relationship if unforgiveness stands in the way. This causes the most problems I believe in relationships and especially after one has ended. Lets look back to the most important event in this earth. Jesus dies so that our sins may be forgiven. That says it all. Forgive and forget. Forget is an important part also, forgetting what the lovers mistakes are is a very good act of selflessness. Pay attention to forgiving and forgetting, it must have been important if its in its own sentence and God sent His only Son down to earth to show us how to forgive. He forgave those who killed Him so I know you can forgive those who hurt your feelings because I know that pain wasn't close to killing you or the pain Jesus went through. Love rejoices in the truth but not in the evil. When you love someone you should love them because you see good in them, the good you see is beautiful and your happiness is your rejoicing. This passage is truth. If you were to see evil you have none of these things that are described in the passage because they were created by God to fill your empty soul. When evil is near you do not feel filled therefore you want to retreat to the place that makes you happy and where you can rejoice which is Love. Supportive is needed after forgiveness is made. In supporting you are assisting your lover. This is great for unity and trust of each other. Loyal is being faithful to one person who you will give your trust to and to trust your lover. Hopeful is inspiring. Being hopeful is promising that you will be all these things just for your lover. Trusting is a firm reliance on the integrity of your lover. You get what you give for this one too. Trusting allows you lover to know you will give what you have received. Follow this passage every way you can and in every situation you will not regret it and neither will your soul.

When we reach the heavens to stand in front of God, He will say something about our lives. Will He say that it was beautiful or not?

I'm moving along in my life with my lover
taking one step at a time
we walk we sing and have our joys
moving along in our life.

Wedding day is here it come with amazement,
astonishment, awe, and love.

Simple love
Simple love moving along in our life
This love we have gives us tomorrow
Love moving along in our life.

Our language is English, Gods is Love.

Gods way of giving us a choice is by putting a soul into us. our soul desired God, but we can choose whether or not to fill it with Him. He gave is the choice to do either, the soul can be a door to let God in or not. It's our choice and God put it there. The soul is the door that god made for our hearts. When we close our souls we close any way of love getting in. When its open Gods love flows in and it flows out to others. A full and open soul gives to others. The love flows through, it does not just flow in. The love flows in and out. Only love can come out of the soul. We receive love either directly from God through prayer or we receive it from others who have their souls open and full of love.

I love to Love. I have been given many gifts in my life that taught me how to Love. Many people that let me see God. I now understand a Love that is hard to describe with human words, it can only be described with actions. Prayers, hugs, and giving are the only ways to describe it. I can tell you all about this as much as I can. But if you really want to know, let me show you. I want to show everyone, it cannot stay inside of me. It must be given just like the rain to the trees. Just like the sun to the earth. God created it and it will be given to others. This Love is so amazing I cry when I think about it. I cry and am so thankful for having Jesus around me all the time. I Love Him so much for being with me and changing my life. I do thank God that I am not what I used to be. I used to be concerned with taking, but now its giving even though I have been given more now than I ever before. I long for someone to hold, I've been wanting to give Jesus a hug so badly lately. I see Jesus in so many people but I do want just one to hold on to. I imagine when I actually see Jesus I will run up to Him to give Him a hug but I will fall on my knees before I reach Him because of thankful tears that melt me to my knees. He will come and pull me up to give me a hug. That is my dream. I want it no other way. I want to get to that dream by Loving one person here and learning to Love from that person.

Just like when you are in love with someone you notice all the little things, and that it is the little things that matter in the relationship. I believe God does that for us, we just have to be in love with Him to know those little things, and thats what makes your relationship with God so much better. In my life I will strive to fall in love to be able to see and appreciate these things He does for us. He does so much more for us than we believe.

Saints say give love until it hurts. To get there you must have a love that hurts when its not able to give.

Love can make conversations, hugs, adventures, disappointments, fears, tears, and pain a joy.

We have to be in love with Him, to know how He loves us.

My goal in life used to be to stay alive, then it was to have good friends, then it was to be able to see Jesus after this life, now its to run to Jesus and fall in front of Him only for Him to pick me up and give me a hug. Then hug the one I Love for eternity.

Maybe nobody seems right because you already met the best person

So I got my report card today from IVY Tech, I got a B,C,C, and F. The F was in my math class that I've already taken 4 times including high school. I bombed my final causing me to fail. Now I don't know what to do again. My parents are really mad at me because they say they are tired of hearing that everything fine from me then when the report card comes in not fine and I have flailed a class. I've only failed classes in college but they act as if this has been going on my entire life. I never had to retake a class in high school. I don't know whats going to happen now, even though its after the fact. I really want to do things my way, they keep pushing me to things I don't want to do. One of those things is college, I know in this society that you cannot do anything without going to college cause its stupid like that. But I think I've proven that I'm not good at college, I hated Purdue and now I'm failing the most dumbed down schools in the country. After I failed out of another college. I really really feel like I am just wasting my time in college. Striving for something that I can't get and even the degree I would want to have isn't an option unless I go back to Purdue. I will never go back to Purdue, it was that bad. I want to start my own computer business but that is hard to do. Its also not very promising that I will have work for a long time. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place again. College or start own business. If I try to start my own business it could fail or it could work and if it works thats what I want to do. If I go to college and get a degree and start my own business the degree wont mean anything to anybody. If I get a degree then get a real job, I'll have a job maybe but I wont be doing what I want to do. So my option are do what I hate and get something that I don't want or skip what I hate and strive for something that I want to do. The thing I hate most is that in society you have to earn everything and you can only earn it with a degree. Obviously there is a problem with me and getting a degree, I just can't do it, I've been striving for 2 years and haven't gotten anywhere in my college direction. I am not a book person. I am not a person who learns everything they need to know but can't apply it to anything after college. I am completely the opposite of that, I can't learn anything in college but I can apply anything and everything I know very well. I can't do college, can't memorize things very well, but I can love. Thats what I really want to do and what I try to put first, but in this world it doesn't get you anywhere. I can love all I can but when I don't have a job where will I live. I hate this society you can not live off love alone. You need money, you have to have a lot of it. I hate that, I can't stand it cause theres nothing worse when love is not even in the equation anymore.

The priesthood and the married life. I believe those are my two options set forth in front of me. I have thought about the priesthood for over the past 2 years but I never really felt that the urge to be a brother or anything that is stronger than the urge to be in the married life. I feel that pretty soon that I'm going to fall in love with the married life and not the brotherhood.

There are a few other things I would like to do with my life or during my life. One is to be a relationship and marriage councilor. I always love hearing what people have to say about their relationships even if its good or not. I really like thinking about their situation and helping them out. There isn't much better than seeing a person happy from what you told them. I would really enjoy that but as for right now I am not good enough to do that nor have I heard that many experiences to be really effective. Although what I do say is pretty much the same thing, just love like Jesus. Another thing that I want to do I combined with the plan with JP. We would buy a huge amount of land somewhere in Fort Wayne and all of our friends would build our houses on it. We would basically have our own addition. Then my plan is to have a building in the center that is built like the retreat center I've been to so we can have retreats from Life Teen or others at our place. We would run them also. I don't know a better way to basically build the church of God. It would bring us all together so much and bring so many more to God.

Im my realtionships I have an issue that I have to figure out for sure if it's good or bad. I can be in love with someone but not have the feelings, you know the tingly feeling you get. If I were to marry someone I could do it with or without feelings but I could never do it without love. My three things I cannot live without can all be done with or without feelings but could never be done without love. Love is really the only ingredient that you need. Yes, feelings do help but then why do people demand them when we date someone we are constantly watching ourselves to make sure we actually love this person and making sure its not all infatuation. I know what feelings are, I'm not saying that I have never had them or I don't like them. In fact I wish I had more of the loving feeling. I know that feeling got me to ask one girl out and to fall in real Love for her. So it was beneficial there but now I don't see it helpful in getting me to like a girl, because now I look deep inside girls to find who they really are and fall in love with that. I beleive I am falling in love with the girl and her inner beauty not falling in love because I'm loving the feeling I get around her. Love is a choice and I chose to love her, I would promise it during the wedding which cannot be undone. I would promise it before the wedding also.

In our lives we search for something that fills our souls. I know that its only love that can fill our souls. I don't beleive that we need anything else but what fills our soul to be happy and love one another. I believe with all my heart that this is a very good way to love someone and I don't believe that I'm missing much of life when I don't have feelings and love someone. Just loving someone so much because of these reasons would make me so happy I will cry of joy (just like I am crying right now thinking about it). If all of this can come from love, feelings aren't necessary, its only necessary to love.

Another thing that happens to me when I'm in love with a girl is that I don't really notice other girls. This one is hard to explain. But for example this first happened in my first relationship and all was well and I didn't notice anything different until we broke up. The next day I walk in to school and I felt swarmed by girls everywhere. I felt as if I didn't know that there where that many girls at school and other places. This same thing happened with my second relationship when we broke up, but before that I noticed that I just plain don't remember seeing girls. My girlfriend could take me to a party with all girls. I would be there but remembering that my girlfriend is like in the center of my vision and all the other girls are in my preferential vision where I see them but not really and they were so blurry that I just don't remember them. Its definitely a good thing that prevents me from doing anything such as thoughts about other girls. I'm sure its helped me even though I probably don't remember when it helped me. The vision thing is the best way I can describe it and I haven't heard of anybody else having this same benefit. I can think of it as Gods grace protecting me from sin in this very obvious but pequilar way. I do know for a fact that this doesn't effect other girls, meaning that if they talk to me I'm not going to forget about them or what they said. So its not like I am pushing all the girls off to the side. This is the tricky part cause I remember what they said but yet I don't remember them. All I know is that its good and I like it. Im not sure if this will happen now if I get in another relationship right now.

I thank you God for giving me this love so I can love others. Your love make me so happy when it is given. My image has changed of you. You were a powerful king but now you are still powerful but you love to give to us. Give us love just like I love giving your love to others. You must be crying of joy right now. Thank you so much.

I want more but I will try to give more first.

We need to fill our souls with Gods knowledge, (truth) so that our souls may know more than our mind (body) and that our souls will control out bodies, not our body controls our soul. When you do get to the point where your soul controls your body (mind) this is when you find Gods love and what it is, you will find enough truth so that you will know what Gods love is like because truth=love.

Things that make my cry of joy.

• Love between parents and their kids.
• Someone running to you to give a hug.
• Watching friends do something holy when they don't realize it.
• A beautiful bride entering into a beautiful marriage.
• Being able to describe someone as beautiful

Lord teach me how to dance my life. Non believers do not have a joy in life. Believers have a joy thats like dancing your entire life. Let my life be a joyful dance to dance my life away and into your kingdom.

God our old friend. Oh how we have great memories. The times we laughed and cried. He has been and will be there for us to call back on our old friend. Love of my life which is everything to me.

Make memories not money.

Lately as in the past semester my faith has been slacking. I knew it would happen even before this semester started. I knew because at Purdue the chapel was only a short bike ride away. But now that I'm home and going to IVY Tech the chapel isn't close at all. It would still take me longer to drive to one than compared to biking to the one at Purdue. Although that isn't much of an excuse I did use it. I often found myself never leaving the house some days. So leaving just for the chapel was almost unreasonable and a waste of gas. But now I wish I would have wasted that gas, because this is much more important.

The last week of classes I finally realized that the St. Judes chapel wasn't far at all. Too late to discover that. But now I have my friends home and its much easier to do these kinds of things everyday. I do lack motivation, its pretty much friends are the only motivation I have. This semester has been a struggle with motivation also. I got through my classes fine, but anything else was a struggle to get it started and to finish it. I tried things to motivate me, but they all failed. I thought about it for a long time and I think that the only things that will motivate me is God and going to the chapel EVERYDAY. This is what I need and I know this is what fuels me since I have done it before. I just need to get started at home, because here at home is where I have most of my motivation problems. Its too easy and layed back. Everything is given to me without asking, so it makes it redundant. Another way I thought of fixing this problem is to buy my brothers house, cause then I would need to work to pay for it, and when I'm scheduled to do something everyday I become motivated for those things as well. I would also like to move out of my parents house anyways, especially since I should be at college right now and paying over $450 a month for rent while not having a job. I don't see how this is bad, its an investment too.

This is my body take and eat it. This is my blood take and drink it. This is what Jesus wanted us to do from then on as much as we can. Who was Jesus? He was 100% man and 100% God. He is 100% man and 100% Love. When we try to really love we take in as much of Jesus we can. We try to be just like him consuming his every actions and words. God must have wanted it to be more intimate than that. For our physical being He wanted us to physically consume Jesus. Because of the cross we not only consume His actions and words, we consume Him. We consume 100% Love. God wanted to give us His Love. He first sent Jesus with Mary along His side. He sent us a physical representation of what Love is because we do not understand anything without a physical representation. God did not send Jesus down here only for that generation, He sent Him down to die for our sins but He was never going to leave. He has never left earth, He is with us every time we go to see Him at Mass. 2000 years ago when you saw Jesus in person, He always forgave your sins then healed you from your pains. His presence is still as strong as is was back then and if not then even greater for now He reaches all the corners of the earth. When we go to mass we meet Jesus face to face every time. We have two options to either walk by and think nothing of it or we can fall to our knees like the ones who where healed by Him. We must want to receive Jesus, we must want to be healed, we must be sorry for our sins. When we are, He heals and forgives us. He died so our sins could be forgiven, he continues to live here on earth to forgive our sins and to give us Love. Today He lets us receive part of Him, just like the lady in the bible who touched his cloak. Jesus's Love is flowing, He wants to give it so we must want to receive it. Jesus is here, as it was in the beginning, now and ever shall be. Be passionate about Love and you will receive His passion.

So, I'm currently at the Josephinum seminary. It seems like a pretty cool place to be and definitely to grow in faith. I still don't feel the call to be here. I do believe that my vocation is in marriage much more after spontaneously volunteering to help coach cross country. After being with those kids everyday for a couple months as we worked for a common goal. I grew to love them. They are all nice kids. 5th through 8th grade. They say I'm their favorite coach because I'm like a kid. I do try to be like a kid, let them have fun but also form them and be a guide to show them how to act and live their life. I didn't want them going home and forgetting about this season. I want them to remember it forever. If I help them live, not and choose to make the right decisions they will have at least four more years of joy than I did from my mistakes and drinking habits. I still can't believe that I was only in the 6th grade when I started to drink. I can't look at those kids and say theres is one there that has drunk. It seems impossible and they seems to innocent.

My goal was for them to live life to the fullest at least know what it is like. I believe I accomplished that pretty well. We had some kids going home crying that last practice because they didn't want it to be over. Crying for that reason must mean something has touched or moved you. Crying of joy is my favorite thing in the world and to see those kids cry too, its makes me happy and its beautiful.

Currently and including my previous journal I have still been thinking about marriage. It runs though my mind a lot, especially playing with our kids. It is something I really want to do. I want to spend my life raising kids that will glorify God themselves. I would love to raise a nun or priest. Grandchildren are wonderful but there are so many children in the world right now who need guidance and help.

As Tink, Lapp, and I visited Dayton and then the Josephinum the other week I promised the seminarians that I would go to the ordination that was last weekend. I was able to keep my promise and go. The liturgy was pretty cool, although I need to go again to absorb it more. After the mass I was talking to an older lady who was talking about her kids parish's since they were all over the country and in dioceses that were low on priest. She was telling me that they have deacons that help since the number of priest are down. They were married deacons that would help with mass and other occasions along with being there for parish members to talk to. I can see the need for deacons in my parish alone.

After talking to this lady and have been wanting to get married along with the want to be in the consecrated life but not a priest but more of a brother. I can say that a deacon seems like a very fitting place for me. I can get married, I can help for each mass, and I can be a place for parish member to go and talk to. Being a permanent deacon seems to work very well.
I would probably get married first then become a deacon after talking to my wife.

More and more as I move along in my life does the “you will die at age 32” become more true. I don't believe that I will physically dies but more I will die to myself. At age 32 this seems like a probably and good age to where I would become a deacon. Previously it was marriage at age 32 but that seems quite late. We shall see what happens next. My life is moving swiftly to where I'm suppose to be.

People always ask what do you want to do with your life? I think I'm just going to say love. Why is it always an worldly occupation?

20)Pimp in the church, not in da clubs
19)Gettin some means a hug and thats all you need foo
18)Respect
17)No livin together
16)No rushing things
15)Respect
14)No marrying too young
13)Talk about real stuff
12)Respect
11)Go to church
10)Hang out in church parking lots
9)Imitate mack daddy dos, Jesus
8)Clockin aint easy
7)Look deep within
6)Pray for her
5)Pray for yourself
4)Respect
3)There is no taking, only giving
2)You don't own her, mack daddy uno does
1)And the greatest rule of all is if she ain't a dime, then you aren't looking at her love.

We have one love
one God
one way
one life
one heaven
one happiness

why are we still deciding what to do?

I must not forgive, Jesus' love in me should forgive.
I must not walk, Jesus' love will lead me to walk.
I must not go alone, Jesus' will come with me.
I must not love others, Jesus' will love through me.
I depend on your glorious mercy and your glorious love. So that with you we can help your glorious people.

things in Christ never end
luckily the things of my past did end
now Ive found the message of the lord
Ive come back, but with his sword
and the truth that set me free
and taught me how to give
all i did before was take
all that made my heart do, was ache.

People are complaining about their own opinions.

Bring the church to the people, not the people to the church.
-Gospel Gangstaz

I sent out the follow up affirmation letters after the retreat and some people are starting to get them. So far the people that have gotten them have really enjoyed them. Some people were really touched by them and thats what the purpose of those letters were for.

I want to make everyone feel loved, this was my goal for cross country and it seemed to work there, now I can see it working here. It makes me so happy to see them happy. Especially when they are crying of joy. You know thats my favorite thing in the world and to see others cry of joy is the most beautiful thing in the world.

I wish to make everyone I meet everyday feel like this.

Goes along with the song Delirious? - Kiss Your Feet

all i have in this world
is more than i should ever wish for
all this love you have given me
has left me aching
for that girl

all i have in this life
is all for you, what i live for
and you give me love
for me to give
to that girl

isn't she beautiful
isn't she beautiful
isn't she beautiful

take this life, live in me
take out my heart
and put in yours
so i can love her
like you want me to
like you want me to

isn't she beautiful
isn't she beautiful
isn't she beautiful
isn't she beautiful

put in your heart
so I can love her more

God has given me so many blessings in this world, along with His love, but now that I know his love I am aching for a special girl to give Gods love to.

All I have in this life
is all for you, what I live for
and you give me love
for me to give
to that girl

All that I have is for God, He is what I live for, He gives me love to give to that special girl

Isn't she beautiful
isn't she beautiful
isn't she beautiful

I'm agreeing with God that I'm imagining my future wife and saying to Him, “isn't she beautiful?”

take this life, live in me
take our my heart
and put in yours
so I can lover her
like you want me to
like you want me to

Take my life, and live in me. Put your love in me so that it is not I that love her it is you (God). This is my desire so she can be loved like you want her to be loved.

Isn't she beautiful

she is beautiful.

For the past three years I have thought about priesthood. This past year I think I have found that my vocation is marriage. But not just any marriage, I wish to be in a marriage that is like no other. There will be no goal to receive, the goal will be to build things up.. Build each other up and the community around each other. I have a dream to be a successful business man only to be able to build a retreat center like the place we had the fall UDCL retreat at in Xenia, OH. We need a place like that in Fort Wayne. I want to help the poor in faith to have a chance to come together and grow in community. I will not discriminate, any religion could come there to have a retreat.

Kids are another goal, I do not wish to be a grandparent. I wish to have my kind in the religious life.
I want to tear down the invisible walls our society puts up and build a faithful community that has hope and love. This is my desire, this is Gods desire. I will do his will but I need help from one of His beautiful daughters. I need some one to love, someone to help, and someone to depend on. I have been given so much now its time for me to give.

Every person I meet I want them to feel like they have just been given a hug.

Pray everyday, read everyday, build a church every weekend.

I ask Jesus to replace my desire with His. I want to be able to look at every woman and only see Christ. I have a soft spot for girls, but sometimes its lustful. I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't act on it, but I know that the fact that its in my head, I can't be who I want to be. It gets in the way. Jesus replace me so I can love like you and so that I can be a light for them. I love them but I need help, teach me to love. I want to give them a love like they have never seen. I want life to be more and more wonderful.

America will remain the land of the free as long as it's the home of the brave.

I saw this on a forum on line and I thought how true. Everyday our freedom of being American is slowly being denied through religious and non religious acts. But to turn this problem around we need brave people stand out and show their faith even if they are not trying to change something. But we do need brave people to go out and stand up for something and try to change the world. The world tries to conform to itself, which is totally wrong. We should not conform to the world or try to get the world to conform to us. Our only goal should be to conform to God. Then everything else will follow. Fix the problem not the solution.

How are others suppose to know what to do if you don't step up to the plate. This came to me when I was thinking of how some peoples away messages are so drag, and down on themselves or just mad at how life is going for them. We are suppose to be an example for others, so we must learn to correct our actions for our neighbor. We must first help ourselves then our neighbor, but we must never complain about ourselves then our neighbor. Be a positive electric bolt through in your life, people will see and you will make them happy. Selfish acts of making others have pity on you does not improve the world, it does nothing but make others feel as if they have the same problem. When Jesus was on the cross, he didn't say, man this sucks. He did not even ask for the soldiers to take him down. He endured it all for others. We must endure it all for others, this includes every word we say and every action we do. Not just moral words and actions but everything to the simplest thing as to the way we answer a yes or no question. This world is filled with no's that make people unhappy, we need some yessers in this world to shout it. Yes you are going to have a great day and yes you can make the world a better place.

For years I thought I understood what materialism meant. I also thought I wasn't materialistic. But I am. I realized this when I was telling a friend that something they had was crappy and that they should get a new one instead of fixing it for the same price of a new one. They got a little defensive but later wanted a new one. So i realized that if we get offensive about our possesions then we are materialistic. I also previously thought that we could only be materialistic with good such as cars and other flashy items but this kinda shows that you can be that way with a simple everyday device as cell phone or something similar.

I'm currently trying to realize what I think about my possessions especially my car since I do like it a lot. I think I can like it, but I must not be affected when it has to go or anything bad or even good happens to it. Having a nice car should be like having one more piece of trash in your trash can, it doest matter.

I have realized that being with someone can make you feel at home even if you are far away from anything you know. Home is being with someone, but not just anybody. Its someone who cares about you and who loves you. Love is the key word here because the soul is how we define home here on earth. But what makes the soul whole and able to make someone feel at home is having it filled with Gods love. In reality Home is not a place its were love is. Having love around you is a little more like heaven. And heaven is our real home.

We are the society of invisible walls. From observing how all people in society relate to each other is has been made apparent that we create walls. Walls to make us fit into a group, walls to keep our different lives we have separated. Even walls that separate religions. Such as a certain religious group believing that only they will get into heaven unless we are like them and believe in the same thing. When Jesus came down here on earth he tore down every invisible wall, especially the wall that separates the poor from the kings. These walls we create inhibit us from loving one another as humans. Instead we love whoever is inside “our” walls. Each day more and more walls are created and also more and more walls are being torn down. But I don't see society understanding as a whole that we have created these walls in the first place. We need many more people to pray hard enough to be able to see these walls and have the courage to tear them down. These walls are almost so invisible that its as if its the original sin. Original sin separates us. We can overcome it and we can create unity like Jesus did when he stayed in the poor mans house.

I was recently asked if I am ever lonely. It was funny that question had been asked because I had been thinking about if I was lonely or not a couple days before I was asked. When I was thinking about it I wrote the song, Isn't she beautiful. I wrote that song because I was so thankful of what God has given me and so happy that he has filled my soul. But at the same time I want someone to love and be with. I do not feel lonely or not lonely. I'm feel in the middle somewhere but its not a bad thing. I'm pretty happy that I am able to not feel real lonely because of Gods love. God has given me so much but now I want to give it back to everyone and more specifically to one person.

This also goes along with dating, until recently as in the past few months where I have become so thankful for friends and such that I really feel that I am ready to start dating. I've wanted to date ever since high school, but only until now do I realize I'm ready. Everyday I try to build myself up to be a better person in order to be able to help whoever I meet. I'm not saying that I have built myself up completely, but its more that I have strived for this so long that I feel I can't fall backwards that much. I feel ready to date but I'm not going to rush anything, I have plenty of time to grow with whoever I meet. When you rush things your time becomes limited. Also I've had a very strong feeling ever since my senior year in high school that something big will happen this junior year of college that will change my life. I've been really excited in waiting for things to unfold. I believe that the life changing moment may be a special girl, I hope. But I'm trusting God because it could be something else. No matter what it is, I trust God that he will only put me in places that I can handle as long as I keep my heart open.
These days are exciting times.

For the past 4 Christmases since I have had some faith. I have tried to appreciate the real meaning of Christmas. The other years I admit that I have gotten caught up in the gift side and not looking at who was born. Until now do I think that I am starting to realize whats I should be doing during advent and how to still give gifts but without the consumer market taking over me. First of all I wanted to give gifts that they will use or appreciate. I will no longer buy gifts just because its a certain amount. I was putting money as the marker of how much I appreciate that person. Looking at gift giving with this new view is really helpful. I can't believe how much I have avoided the consumerism because of this little change. I also don't feel like anyone will be disappointed with their gift. They are things they want and need. I am not going to buy something else just so they have the same amount of gifts to unwrap or anything like that.

Because of this new view on gift giving I feel much more at ease during this shopping season as we sometimes call it now. I have not spent most of my time out looking for random gifts. Therefore I avoided the chaos and all the direct marketing toward me. It's really nice to be able to relax and think about friends and family while the rest of the world is out there shopping and getting mad because they item they want is out of stock or a few dollars more than they expected. I'm basically on a retreat here. Since I'm not wasting my time out there in the store I have more time to hang out with friends and write letters. I'm staying out of the store so I can basically give myself as a gift to friends and family. Christmas is about giving yourself to others. Christmas is about Jesus and He never gave anything but Himself to others. During this Christmas realize what gifts really are.

You are the gift family and friends have been waiting for.

We are here on this earth, drowning. All of us are drowning in something we do not know. The person who lets the flood gates open into his soul is filled. Gods love surrounds us, touches us, and almost suffocates us. But sometimes we do not know we are surrounded, touched, and suffocating. It only takes an ounce of concentration and a little free will to open your heart. We fear that this flood that could flood our soul may be devistating and heart breaking, but God does not work this way. His floods are good and eternally heart connecting.

We are swimming in Gods love here on this earth. Our intention is to get out of the water. But God wants us to relax and enjoy the swim. Life is short, stay in and swim with an open heart for a while. For in heaven the water is not around us anymore, it is in us.

Recently I've been having really good conversations with this girl. She is really genuine to everybody. But the first thing I noticed when I saw her was her smile. Its not exactly like any other smile I've seen. One side goes down further than the other side. Its very noticeable and its not the perfect smile we would portray in magazines and such. What I love about her smile is that its so noticeable.

So many people need smiles to brighten their day. The fact that this smile isn't perfect but its the most noticeable smile in a group of smiles shows us that Gods loves each one of us equally and that the things that are not “normal” within you are to be shared to all. My point is that her smile is about 35% more effective than my mine, well say. These imperfections we have can be used to glorify God in so many ways. God created us all different so we must use our talents and qualities to share with everyone we meet. A blind friend can only look in you, he cannot judge you by your appearance. The imperfect smile shows us how to really smile and the imperfect vision shows us how to look deep within someone. To me these imperfections are perfect.

So today I was out to get my transcripts from IPFW so I may be able to transfer to Dayton. While I am out I always visit the nearest chapel. Most of the time its St. Charles. I stop here, start praying the rosary then notice there is reconciliation going on. So I think “confession, I need to do that”. I was never the person to randomly go to reconciliation. I always had to have it planned out in order to think about my sins. But this time I decided some reconciliation was better than no reconciliation. The last one at the Dayton retreat was so helpful, especially since I hadn't gone for a long time before that (probably around a ½ year or a year.) So I went today, not totally prepared enough to go. But I don't have to say every one of my sins as long as I am not hiding them, but I do have to be sorry and willing to change with the help of the Holy spirit.

The most important part of what I got out of this random chapel visit was that I need to go to reconciliation on a normal frequent pattern. Its a sacrament for us Catholics but I've always been afraid of it. Ill just tough it out and get over it. Nothing bad could happen from it and nobody will know your sins. Priest may remember what sins are confessed in general but they don't know who's those the sins belong to. Its a gift they have and I have heard many priest in many different places say that same thing.
I'm going to try and make it my goal to 1. pray the rosary everyday. 2. go to reconciliation on a regular basis, I think ill start out with once every month and see where that leads me.

This entry goes along with my previous entry about confession. In that one I realized that some reconciliation is better than no reconciliation. My personality is if I can't do it good than I wont do it at all. I can think of many examples of when I think like this in my life. When I first started to go to daily mass before school in high school. I never went before that but all the sudden I started going and never missed a day. The same things with praying the rosary in high school also with this college thing now. I feel I should be doing something or not go at all. Right now at IPFW and previously at IVY Tech I feel like I'm wasting my time with general studies degree. I either want to get a real degree or get nothing. With the mass and rosary things they lasted a couple of years but then I did stop going for a long time. I have started the rosary up again, but going to mass everyday is hard now. I don't feel this fits under the perfectionist category. So its a little different that that. There are many other aspects of my life that this thinking as effected.

But yesterday when I had that realization about not having to give the perfect confession I also realized that I should apply that to everything else in my life.. If everybody only did what they were really good at we would be far behind in growing as a community and as a person. We wouldn't try new things and would definitely lack a variety of learning experiences in our lives.

Life isn't about finding what your good at and only doing those things well. Its about trying your best at everything. Trying at things we are not good at gives us that foundation and ability to reach out to more people. We should still do the things were good at but also strive at the things we would struggle with and that will help us in our faith life.

I'm going to try more things in my faith, to build up a foundation so that I cannot fall backwards as much. I will try not to be afraid and try to better myself for any other person I meet in this new view of mine.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I was trying to go to bed at 1:00 when I normally go to bed at 2:30 or 3:00. While I was awake I was thinking about the Holy Family when Jesus was born and I was also thinking of how older married couples we know talk about the loss of luster in their Christmases as time goes by. This year my parents agreed that they wouldn't get each other anything. There was no giving to each other and this is what I'm talking about when I say Christmas looses its luster over the years of marriage. I agree that older couples have the ability just to get what they need during the year and don't have to wait for Christmas, and that they already have most everything they need. But this got me thinking about what I want when I'm married. To me I never see anything loosing its luster over the years in the marriage. I don't see this because I plan to have a totally different marriage than what most people have in this country. I plan to have a Christ centered marriage and Christ centered Christmas. The joy of Christ will never loose its luster. I have a couple of witnesses to this by my friends families. I know two families who follow Christ in everything they do. It shows in their family and it definitely has been passed down through their kids. Whenever I enter those houses you can sense a totally different feeling than most families. There is much more love, understanding, and openness in their family. In high school we used to go to mass before school then hang out at a friends house until school. We would eat breakfast with their entire family. My favorite thing to do was to sit on the couch and watch the love. It was wonderful to see how everybody interacted with each other. I would say that this families yearly experiences such as Christmas get better every year. Some may not be as fun as others but always more meaningful as they grow closer to Christ and to each other.

When I imagine my marriage I hope for this along with a little more faith, hope, and love. It will keep the Christ in Christmas and the joy of the season. How can Christmas get old when your family is centered on Christ. How can you not enjoy their presence. How can you not be happy. Christmas is about Christ and everybody God loves. Gift giving is a way to show love but definitely not the only way. In our society we have substituted gifts for love. This is what makes the Christmas season loose its luster. Gifts will never satisfy us, we are only satisfied in something greater than us. When you think about it, you wonder why we chase all these earthly things. We can create the largest buildings, massive cities, or even create the “perfect” heart shaped diamond. But these do not satisfy us whatsoever. We can create nothing to make us happy. We can only be happy in what God has created such as the mountains, the sea, stars, and mostly us and Jesus. God created us, how awesome is it to be able to give a gift you can't even make. To me thats the most awesome Christmas gift. I would wish that a million times over anything else on the earth. This Christmas we remember that we are only satisfied in the greatness of God and His creations. We also remember that you are the gift your family has been waiting for this Christmas.

Tonight I went over to a Nielys house to dumpster dive and watch Cinderella Man. We didn't find anything because apparently its still Christmas. We came back and started the movie. I have seen this movie before and I really like it. Its a true story about a boxer in during the great depression. He was the world champ before the depression but then went into a slump. The movie shows him fighting for money to feed his family and to keep his kids in their apartment so the kids don't have to move away from what they know. The last fight of the movie, he fights the previous world champ. Everybody effected by the depression cheers him on, they feel he is fighting for them. Which he is. During this movie he shows great love to his family and the people around him by boxing to regain dignity for all. He puts endless effort to earn money for his family.

I was thinking about this and my previous journal today. That in life, love is best shown through the hard times. I started to think about my possible future marriage and how I hope that I can say I love her by my words and actions. When I say I love her it is more meaningful when we would be going through hard times. I want to say I love her in the hard times. But its not that I wish for hard times to fall upon us. Its that I wish I could say I love her in the good times and have as much meaning when I say it in the bad times. A candle in the darkness is brighter than a candle in the light. I wish my candle of love shines as if it were in the darkness.

Currently I am so in love with life. I am so in love with the idea that Jesus is taking me where I need to be. I am so in love that I am able to do part of his will. I can't wait for tomorrow and I can't wait to find my vocation in someone. I want the chance to say I love someone everyday. I want the chance to help someone look at life with a joyful outlook. I want the chance to help anyone I meet. I love you Jesus and I am so thankful of your love and of all the people around me. Help me be as wise as a serpent but as gentle as a dove. Faith, Hope and Love is what it takes to have a joyful life. I believe Im finally grasping hope. Hoping that you are leading me along with being thankful for everything. I must strive for love which is only found by being hopeful and thankful with the faith I have found.

In the beginning of time when God created man, man and earth were in harmony with God. God gave us the option to have a choice in our lives to love Him or not. What is love without choice?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple off the tree of knowledge. They then knew of good and evil. This new knowledge of evil became the new choice among men. It became the new option. The new option of evil became another distraction from the choice of loving God.

I want to relate the new option for Adam and Eve with the options of our society. In our society we have the option to do anything we want. We can have anything customized toward us. Everything from toe nail clippers to custom religions. God intended us to be free to love and serve Him. But these new options and choices we have to make have only limited our freedom. We can not make decisions therefore become stagnant in our lives and we have so many choices that distract us from loving and serving God.

Since Adam and Eve discovered the new choice of evil we too have also discovered new choices since then, that distract us.

How do these option limit our freedom? They limit our ability to see the true meaning of what God has created. They only concern us. Freedom is not about our personal needs, it is about living for Him and having your soul filled up.

Most everything we have created is a distraction from the life God intended us to live. Many of them are also intended to fix or ease the pain of the effects of our lives. Almost nothing we have created will help the causes of pain and inconveniences in our lives. If we ever have pain or and inconvenience it is because we have lost grasp of freedom and the distractions (choices) have taken over our lives.

We are in need of many things in this world. As I sit here in the chapel today I feel the need of more people in the chapel. More people who come because Jesus is their friend, not just because they have a problem. If you were only to go to a friend when you need help, what kind of friend are you. A true friend is concerned about helping others. A friend that only comes when they need help is more of a pest.

Lord help me pray everyday and to make it to the chapel everyday. A while ago I wrote the poem “How Often”, I wish to follow that more than I currently am. I must be joyful when talking to you instead of asking things and being a pest to you. I love you and want to help your kingdom of love spread here on earth.

Last year for Christmas I gave some of my friends rosaries. In that I also included a note that encouraged them to stay in the chapel everyday to pray to rosary. But if they could stay for a while they should stay until their shoes dried off if it was wet outside. I said this because when I was at Purdue, its what I did. I stayed until my shoes dried so that I could leave with out making a noise from my squeaky shoes. This reminded me that we come into the chapel with our noisy lives but if we stay long enough we can leave that noisy life behind and our troubles will seem to disappear. The noise in our lives disappears when we pray long enough. Also the pest we are to Jesus disappears.