Drinking excessively is a problem in our society. One reason is because its fun. I'll admit that drinking is fun. Its one thing that I cannot disagree with people say its fun. BUT you know what else is fun, stealing from a store and driving 120 mph. Those things a pretty fun and they definitely get the blood flowing. But its not worth the consequences and the fact that it makes you become a person with physical and emotional pain later. It also makes you a person who hurts others indirectly or sometimes directly. Those reason are enough to rule out those things just because they are fun. A lot of people say that the curiosity of it is there. Well alcohol is just a drink. Thats all it is. But people have put so much other emphasis on it, that it becomes a drug. You can overuse anything to make it have an effect on your body. Our expectations of the power of this drink has made it so lethal.

One question I get a lot is this, “is drinking ok in moderation even if I'm under 21”. Well my answer to that is yes its ok with your parents to have a beer. I don't see anything wrong with having a drink with friends at someones house or apartment if your out of the puberty developmental age. I had never told this to people before, mostly because that I didn't know of a single person who could just have one beer and be find with that. One beer turned into hanging your head in the toilet for a few hours. I don't blame the alcohol, I blame the people who put peer pressure on that person to drink and the people who made the alcohol a drug for someone. The age 21 that we have in this country doesn't really mean that much. Although one purpose of a drinking age is so that you don't drink when your still growing. Alcohol can stunt your growing body, especially your brain. In many different countries the age varies greatly. But 21 is made for our safety. No age requirement would be necessary if we cared about ourselves and others.

The point of this journal is that alcohol isn't bad, its the peer pressure and the expectations of alcohol. Alcohol is not a tool either to get something you want, such as sex. That is a way of hurting others and yourself. The alcoholic beverage is just a drink, treat it that way.

I was thinking about what people think of me after they read my journals. I was hoping that they don't think that I have some super faith or are better than they are.

Faith just like a lot of things in life is something we all struggle at. Each one of us is better in some areas than others. This is just like learning in school. Some people are better in certain areas compared to others. But being better or worse in certain areas in faith and life does not make you a better or worse person. God created each one of us differently. We should use that difference to help one another as a community. I struggle with a lot of things in my life and I need help from everybody. It may appear that I am not struggling with things at times. But there is always room for improvement. I hope you don't think I am better than you, because I am not. We are all in this together.

Pride, the sin in all sins. Its the base of every sin we commit. Love, the greatest good. Its the base of every good deed we do. Whats the difference in pride and love. The difference is a concern about yourself and a concern about others. Take a moment and think about how every sin we can do and how it includes pride, a selfish act. Now take a moment and think about all the good we can do, and how it includes giving to others. It is pride that makes you upset when someone tells you that your not pretty, your material possessions are crappy, your dog is stupid, you have no life, your car is slow, your clothes are out of style, your girlfriend/boyfriend isn't cute, and any other comment made to bring you down. If we get upset or hurt inside when anyone says these things to us, it is our pride getting in the way of seeing things for what they truly are. If there was no pride, you are always pretty in Gods eyes, material possessions do not matter, a dog is Gods creation, your life is a gift, cars don't matter, clothes don't matter, your girlfriend/boyfriend is always good looking in Gods eyes.

The devil is so blinded by his own pride that he things he can win this battle against God. We must recognize the pride that blinds us in our lives and destroy it by growing in faith, hope and love through prayer.

In our society we learn from others. People teach us from their mistakes and we learn from our own mistakes. We learn from people who are wrong and from people who are not perfect. As I wonder about this how are we ever going to learn what is right if we are only looking at mistakes. Would you and could you learn Spanish from a Spanish book that is partially correct. Using the wrong information or material would make it either impossible or very difficult to learn Spanish correctly.

We all know that there is no doubt of a right was and a wrong way to live life. If we are ever to live the right life we can only do that by seeing and knowing a correct life. How can we do something we do not know of. No one on this earth lived the correct life style except for Jesus. No one on this earth has became the best person except for Jesus. He is our true book that we need to learn from. He is the true example of what life is about and how it is lived.

Because we don't see Jesus everyday walking around we forget about Him. We forget that He is the true source instead of our peers. Now that we have forgotten about Him, we look to others for our help and resource. This constant looking to others has created a downward spiral in our society. We are constantly hitting ourselves in the head with a hammer until it really hurts or causes severe damage. But all we need to do is to NOT look at others who have stopped hitting their head with the hammer, BUT to look to the one (Jesus) who doesn't even have a hammer in his hand.

Now you may ask, how do I look for Jesus and learn from Him. Like anything good we have to work a little. Jesus is a man, He is still here on this earth and we learn the same way we would learn from our neighbor, priest, or friend. We talk to Him as a friend. He wants to be our friend and he wants to share with us a glorious way to live. When you sit down and talk to this man you will find His story is so touching and so moving that you will find a change in yourself. He will talk to you about anything in fact He loves talking to you so much that He is always by your side. He will tell you the correct way of life because He did not make mistakes. You will be learning from the true source. By doing that, you have a fail safe plan of knowing how to live your life and be a better person because you void all false information reaching you.

I want you to realize that Jesus is your friend, but not just any friend a friend that won't leave or change. You will never know a better friend to learn from All we have to do is sit down and talk to Him in prayer everyday. Everyday, you may ask? You do want to live a joyful life don't you and besides He is your best friend.

I hear a lot today about men not understanding women and women not understanding men. I also hear many people also say that, thats just the way it is and they accept it. But I totally disagree any form of that argument. Ever since I have had somewhat of an understanding of Gods love I cannot say that women are crazy and that I can't understand their needs and how they work.

I believe that a firm foundation in Christ and having Him as the main focus in your relationships will be the way to understand the opposite sex. What happens when we have this foundation and have Christ in our hearts we get rid of all those unimportant desires. An example is a girl who wants jewelry or something of that nature. She will give signals to try to get her man to understand that she wants those things. The guy may or may not understand what she is trying to say or even know that she is giving signals. But if a girl wants more love in her life and more Jesus to fill her soul. The guy who is Christ filled will work to love her more and help her get closer to Jesus so her soul can be filled even if the girl was giving signals or not. Christ solves everything, literally. When we don't understand anyones needs, let alone the person in our relationship we obviously aren't focusing on the right things. A person of God will give what people need if they ask for it or not and they might not even know they are giving it. Every person needs love and a soul filled with Christ. If we are people of God we will love everyone and help everyone become closer to God. We will do it without thinking and it will not seemed forced on anyone.

When I say Christ solves everything, I mean it. There is not a situation in the world where Gods love cannot fix. I'll even give you a worst case scenario. A person of no faith finds that he has cancer and is going to die in a year. The rest of his life he becomes depressed and upset that he is going to die. Now a different person of strong faith finds that he has cancer and is going to die in a year. The rest of his life he becomes more fervent in his walk toward God, he helps others in his situation and mostly he becomes more and more happy that he will be with his Lord for eternity. In this example the same situation occurs for both people. Person #1 with no faith does not have his desires filled because he had his own desires. His desires were not Gods desires therefore he was filled with grief and many other negative feelings and emotions. But person #2 with strong faith had the desire of God. His desires were the same as Gods and he was happy.

I hope you understand this even though I'm comparing the corrupt world with the perfect world in these examples. I understand that we cannot be perfect but that does NOT mean that we shouldn't try. Our life challenge is not to understand the opposite sex its to understand God. He fixes any problem we have and he will bring everyone of us closer in every way. He is our desire and He is the way, the truth, and the life we must live.

Some times at night between 12:00 and 2:00 I will relax by watching some TV. Usually I will watch something informative or real life stories on TLC or Discovery. But tonight I was flipping through the high channels to find court TV to see if cops was on. I like that show because I want to see if they ever use as many cops as they did when I was arrested for stealing from a store. Anyways I was flipping through and a talk caught my ear. It was about chastity and addressed to a high school, I realized that I've heard it before so I kept on watching. Later I realized that it was an audio file I have on my computer thats from the www.PureLoveClub.com website. Anyways I watched the entire thing. It was an engaged couple giving the talk to the teens about chastity who were going to get married in two weeks after that talk. At the end of the show they showed them giving their wedding vows. When I saw the sparkle in their eyes I became so grateful of my own chastity. I have always been thankful of it, but have never really expressed it. In my criminal days as I call it, I had the opportunity to have sex just about every weekend. But for some reason I never wanted to have sex, I knew I wanted to save it for marriage. I know that my conscience was telling me to wait for marriage and that God was continuously pulling me to do the right thing even in those days. I remember every time doing vandalism and thinking, God is watching me. But I was so stuck in that trap of that life that I couldn't get out on my own. Even when I knew I would go to hell if I died then, I still didn't stop vandalizing or listen to God. But even with this attitude I had the courage to say no to sex for some reason. I would get drunk all the time, but I'm the kind of drunk that remembers everything from the night before and so I didn't wake up in a bed or anything or even get out of control. I was more interested in doing vandalism than sex. I can say that I knew condoms didn't always work, as was proved by a couple of my friends and that I didn't want to impregnate a girl. So I stayed away. In that life the opportunity was so available. So let me give you an example. You know those movies where there are people having sex in every single room in the house that there is no where to go. I have been to those types of parties. I never saw that as fun so I would leave. But even in being in that environment I never have even gotten physical or even kissed a girl.

I'm just so thankful that I never had sex and even ever gotten really physical where I could have gotten an STD by contact. From looking at all those times where I felt God was watching me and from the other instances where God has literally saved my life I have always felt that there has been something in store for me in marriage. Not just something for me, but something I must do with my marriage. From not wanting sex to avoiding head on collisions on the highway to being shot at, my life has been spared many times. I'm thankful for God watching over me to take care of me even while I hated His plan for my life. But now I think I finally see it. Marriage, and at its best. From reading my past journals you can tell that I'm in love with marriage. Its what I really want to do but I don't want to just have any marriage. A marriage like none other to show all how to be married in Christ. To be that example to others and to live happily ever after. Thank you God for this second chance at life or shall I say twelfth.

A few months ago I realized that my own pride has inhibited my ability to do what I want to do in life. My own pride tells me that I must do things on my own. Even when I need help, I have refused to get help just so that I can do it on my own. Examples of this are things that I build or do for people. I want to do them all by myself so I get all the credit. But it should not be this way.

This past few months I have been trying hard to ask for help from others to accomplish my goals in life. An example of this is me wanting to make my websites all by myself so I get all the credit. But I have hit a road block in the design where I can't go any further. So I have asked a few people to help me out. This benefits me and them. We both learn. The job gets done, and they receive more credit since they actually know what they are doing.

Pride, it hurts to have it and it hurts to get rid of it. This is a process for me that I'm still working on, but I believe that I'm getting closer and closer everyday to where my pride is no more and of no concern.
It hurts my life to have this pride, it hurts me to try to change. But after a little change in myself so far its been wonderful.

Imagine your soul is your home. What we have and do in our home makes us happy or not. It fills it or makes it not feel like a home which is the empty feeling.

God wants to enter into our soul but only until we have totally prepared it for Him by cleaning out any other desires besides Him and by fully choosing Him as the one to fill our soul (house). Our free will (choice) is to clean out our house of the clutter (other desires). Then it is to hold the front door open for Him to enter. He will not enter by Himself, we must hold the door open for Him. Our entire life we should hold this door open by praying everyday and by not being distracted to do something else besides holding the door open. Distractions that peer pressure us into doing something besides holding that door open for God to enter our house (soul). When we open the door for God He will be there in the front door waiting for us to invite Him in. He cannot come in if we keep opening and closing the door. Nothing else will get in the house as long as we have the intention to open it for Him. While Hes waiting there we will be excited just as when a loved one is walking up to your house. We become delighted in that the Lord is coming to see us. This is the joy we feel when we say our souls are filled. In heaven He is totally in our souls filling every corner of it. But here on earth we will never know what its like to have God totally in our house (soul).

Our job is to hold the door open no matter how much the wind blows (society's distractions). We must hold steady by our quiet prayer everyday.

In the past few months and in the future my desire is to life my life 54 days at a time. Why 54 days? Because its the length of a rosary novena. I have prayed multiple novenas and all have been answered except for one where I may never know if its been answered. I have often felt that there are too many things to pray for in that I cannot pray a novena for one thing. I feel that I must pray for multiple things in a short period of time. But now I feel that praying the 54 day novena nulls silly prayers that we shouldn't be praying for. If I'm going to spend 54 days on something I'm going to make sure its what God wants and its going to be way more meaningful and prayerful than any random one day intention that I may have.

We often forget or don't see Gods plan. His plan is for all of us to receive His Love. This is what our prayers should be about. Not prayers about money or any worldly item. If I can't finish a 54 day novena then I believe that I am praying for the wrong thing or I am not passionate about my prayer. This does not mean that I don't have any daily petitions at all, it reminds me of what I really should be praying for.

As I try to live my life 54 days at a time I will remember this. God will give us what we ask as long as it can come from Him.

Often we agree and realize that when we are on our Jesus high, that high is not even close to what we will get in heaven. We will never reach the full potential until we die. Our lives are filled with faith, hope, and love but not completely. The reward of heaven is there but so is hell. I was listening to Sierra – No Stone To Throw, its a song that talks about the woman who was about to be stoned but then Jesus came along and told the men, “you who have not sin cast the first stone” This woman in the bible was “virtually” in hell, or at least thats what I felt like to her. What I was wondering was the opposite of the Jesus high and heaven. I'm talking about feeling so empty and hell. I can say that hell is a million times worse than any empty sorrow we can have on this earth, just as heaven is a million times better than the most fulfilling love we can have on this earth. I feel that we often don't realize how bad hell can be. By realizing that we should become more thankful for God and his mercy. When we are here on earth, sinning as much as we can God is still with us and still watching over us. But in hell He is nowhere to be found. I have felt the emptiness in my life and it was horrible even when I still knew God was showing me a better life. But in hell, not is there no Love (God), there is no faith, and the kicker to end it all is no hope. That emptiness must be like a black hole.

I realize how much God is with us even when we sin and turn against Him. I should almost be thankful that He is there for us to turn against. By the fact that He is always there means He cares about us so much. Him always being there is that hope in us for a better day and for a better life. Without hope there is no way of getting to a better life of love and fulfillment. Let us all be thankful for God being with us, realize how deep hell goes, and to cast our stones into hell itself. We have no stone to throw, we are in neither heaven or hell.

What we can learn from God here on earth is only the tip of the iceberg of what we will know in heaven. When we feel His presence that too is only the tip of the iceberg compared to heaven.

Here on earth we understand that we cannot understand Him fully. But even acknowledging that we can't understand Him fully is only the the tip of the iceberg to even know what we could possible know about Him.

A perfect example of this is our universe. We know its infinite. Which is like knowing God fully. But we can't fathom what we do know about the scale and size of our universe. This is us acknowledging that we can't understand what there is to know now about Him while we are here on earth. He is so great and loving that what He has revealed to us here on earth is almost incomprehensible to us.
Our expectation of God even with a truly holy person will still be less than what He really is.
This makes me yearn and excited for heaven. I hope I help others get there in my life and if I do that then I will probably end up there too.

I'm going to finish this journal by a question and then an answer. Can we paint a picture of God? No, He is much greater than a thousand words.

When I first started my faith in my senior year of high school, it grew very rapidly. Everyday and almost every hour I was finding something new about God. I would say that my faith has never again reached that peak that year. Although I know I have grown much more in love where at that time I was just understanding that God is Love.

I have never told the following to anyone before because I thought it wasn't possible to do this until now. For a period of three days during senior year. I was able to read souls. I was able to just look at someone walk down the hall and see right into them It was incredible. I remember that most of the people that I thought were good were actually good and some people that I thought were bad actually had it better than some of the originally good people. But the most amazing part was the people who I thought were wicked. As I looked into those people it was as if they were crying. Crying for someone to pick them up. You can picture this by picturing your best friend sitting on the ground with their hands covering their face while sobbing uncontrollable. I was a sad thing to see. I wanted to just go up to them and give them a big hug, but I never had the courage to do that.

They were crying because they wanted something to fill that void in them. But they had no idea what that void was or how to fill it. They only wanted someone to help them.

The person I saw crying the most was the “school slut” as she was referred by. There were rumors that she slept with three guys in one night. Most everybody including me made fun of her. I continued to talk about her to others until those three days. During that time she was the only person I wanted to hug. I would have never touched her before this but seeing her in so much sorrow and loneliness I wanted to help.

In light of this, we can in no way condemn anyone. The one with the most sin was needing the most love. How can we love someone if we have already condemned them.

As I read about St. Catherine of Siena and other saints, they must have had this gift. They gave unlimited love to the people who needed it the most who were already condemned by society. The wicked of the wicked they served, just to give them a hug of love.

I have always thought that this three day gift God gave me was a preview of what I could do if I continued to grow in my faith, hope, and love everyday. I hope that I will reach this in my life just as I hope to make everyone I meet feel like they have been given a hug.

God,
May I go out to hug and serve the wicked, for their tears are the most sorrowful.

One thing I want to explain further in this previous journal is what exactly what I saw. When I saw their soul I only saw how full or empty it was. I did not see people as sinners. The ones that I previously described as wicked, I just saw their empty soul. I knew their souls were empty because of sin, but that is beside the point. It seemed as though everybody's sins were on the same level, but the amount of God in each soul varied greatly.

Another thing I noticed was that a person who was crying, was crying because their soul was empty. Their soul was truly empty, not even material or worldly things were in it. The only thing that will go into a soul is God.

After mass today Fr. Kramer was talking about expanding churches along with any other building expanding or rebuilding. It seems that if something doesn't get rebuilt every so many years, needed or not it gets forgotten . It's basically as if you don't show your growing by a new building then you are not growing.

I wonder why this is and how this trend started. Hundreds of years ago buildings were built to last forever. Churches and castles were rarely rebuilt for expansion especially if it was never needed. Todays most common example of this rebuild is our sports stadiums.

Do we rebuild so people who look to us thing more highly of us? Pride is the base of all sin and maybe this is the reason for the unnecessary rebuilding of temporal buildings. We don't need to substitute the renovation of building for the renovation of our souls.

I remember when I was in my teenager stages trying to separate from my parents and learning to be independent. That the urge to be independent was very strong and the urge to know God as a friend was very little.

There were times where I felt invincible even when my life or others were in danger I did not care.

I realize now that I was trying to be my own God. I was trying to be independent by myself, I thought only I could get my self out of trouble or any other situation. This self pride of trying to control my own life is what I thought independence was. Everything from having those guns pointed at me to going out got the first time in my car by myself. All those acts and situations were all about me.

What I did not realize that for me to gain my independence I can't do it all myself and its not all about me. I have to rely on others and mostly God. I was trying to be my own God which was selfish to begin with, but depending on God is the total opposite of selfishness.

Those drunken times where I thought I was invincible, were actually me thinking I was God and I that had it all under control and that no one else can effect me. I was so blinded by my own pride in that I didn't see how its impossible for no one to effect me.

A teenager just being a teenager is actually pride getting mixed up with being independent. This society does not warn about this pride therefore making it an easy trap to fall into.

Know about the Lord and to know the Lord through experience are two totally different things. I would never just hear stories about Gods Love and understand them, but the only way I can understand Gods Love is to actually know Him as a friend. This can be viewed as one of our close friends, if you took all the experiences away that you have had with your best friend. How would your friendship be, we are physical beings and we need to experience things first hand to understand anything. If you only knew about the facts of you best friend then your relationship wouldn't mean much. But as with your friend the same is with God. You can hear all about God but until you understand Him by being with Him, then you will know Him.

Read all you want about Christ, but if there is not prayer or quiet time, then you will not know Him.

Sincere, it means pure, unmixed, being in reality of what appears, not simulated, not assumed, real, genuine, undissembling, frank, and true. Being sincere is loving. I cannot be sincere about a false truth since the word sincere is true. When I look at what I have done to see if it was sincere. I find many things that were not sincere. Times when I was not sincere were times that I was doing something for my own gain, and not for the help or gain for another person. In my actions and words I will now look to see if they are sincere. If I'm sincere how can others not be sincere. How can this not help Gods kingdom grow.

Lord help me be sincere, in my actions, words, and thoughts. As I think about your Love one of the few words that can be added to describe your love fully is sincere.

Sincere Love.

When I say I'm sorry, how do others know that I really am sorry. Being sorry without change means nothing. The other day I screwed up and sinned against someone. After I sinned I realized what I had done, I hurt that person and me. I need to be sorry and I need to change my ways so that it doesn't happen again. For that person to genuinely know I'm sorry I must ask for forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness is a way of showing you still love them and it allows them to help you so that you will not sin anymore. As I ask for forgiveness I'm allowing myself to change for the better, not to be stuck in my own selfish ways but to let Gods love work through that person to mold me.

Being sorry is not just realizing you have done something wrong, its realizing what you need to change in yourself to make things right.

The need to think about my future starts before I write this. I am having a hard time figuring out what to do with my life, let along what school I should go to. Recently I got a status report on my application to Dayton. They didn't reject me but want to see my grades from this semester. If I don't get in, then the decision will be easy. But if I do get in to UD, I will have a hard time figuring out if that is Gods signal to go there. Even if I do get in, I don't really want to stay there for more than two years. I'm currently a junior and UD would be my 4th college. I don't know what will transfer and I still wont be able to get the degree I want, which is computer networking/repair or web design. But at UD I could get a religious studies degree. I feel this would be much more beneficial to me than a general studies degree. I have also been more open and have been feeling a pull toward being a youth minister at a parish. That is way down the road, but it is still on the road.

My double life is fun and I'm learning a lot from it right now, but it is leading me no where in being a financial supporter for the family I want to have. This is not for the reason that the man must support the family financially, its for a love of my future wife and family. I'm not planning on an easy life here on earth, but I am planning on being an example and hope for others. I want to love my future family but I don't know why its so hard for me to figure out how to do that.

I know Gods path, I know I should walk it, but I don't know.......trust. I struggle with trust. I haven't figured out when it is God telling me something is already here or that I need to actually make it happen. This is my pride getting in the way of my trust again.

I do feel like the man stranded on his roof during a flood. He was stranded there and a boat came along telling him to get on, but his response was “God will save me”. Then another boat came by and he said the same thing to them. The third time a helicopter came and he told them again. “My god will save me”. Then the flood rose and the man drowned. When he meets God he ask God why He didn't save him. God's response was, “I tried three times.”

I feel like this man, I'm depending on God, but oblivious to everything around me trying to help me. I think I'm going to start figuring out what is helping me and what is not by writing 50 positive things and 50 negative things that deal with my future. Those things include high tuition, degrees, Cardegles cross country team, the UD community, my future job accessibility. I also need to asses the current negatives in going to UD and the longterm negatives compared to the current and longterm negatives of staying at IPFW. Staying here at IPFW has a lot of positives and going to UD has a lot of negatives. But this in only for a few years. I need to compare these current negatives with future positives that will effect the rest of my life. College may be five years but my life may be eighty years. This is what my next novena will be over. What to do and where to go in my life. I need to pray about this more and more intensely.
Lord help me pray and help me find You in the world around me. I need You, and want to love You.

I was in english class the other day where the teacher was giving us an example on how to come up with a good thesis statement. While he was giving the example I saw how it could totally relate to prayer. He was telling us that he used to be in charge on his high school prom. Most years he came up with the theme for the prom, but one year the kids wanted to make their own theme. He told them they could make their own theme, but they had to think of 100 ideas first before they could choose one of them. As they got together to come up with the themes, the first 30-40 ideas were all the normal common ones that every prom has. Next they start to write down all the ones that the school obviously wouldn't accept because of sexual innuendos and and other immature stuff. Then after 80 or so they started to come up with some really creative ideas. His point was that in order to come up with a good thesis you need to get all the other not so good or common ideas out of your head before you can really start to be creative.

This relates to our prayer life and how when we go into the chapel, we need to stay longer to let all the crazy thoughts pass through our mind before we can really start to think about God. This relates to another journal where it talks about if it were raining, stay in the chapel long enough for your shoes to dry. You come in with your noisy life and thoughts then stay long enough for all that to pass and you can leave with a clear look on life and a peace within you. You come in with your squeaky shoes but leave with them dry and quiet.

Our chapel time may be longer than we expect, but this is for God. Our finite time does not satisfy his infinite desire to be with us. But the more we give the closer we will get to him. We need extra time to think about God, not just only our lives.

A little prayer time will help you through your day, but a lot of time will change tomorrow.

I see some doubt as a good thing, if your not doubting things then you are just accepting everything right or wrong. If you doubt then you are at least thinking about things as they come to you instead of accepting everything as a lemming.

This is like the other journal about depending on the Holy Spirit. It was where I went to confession and was mad at myself for sinning. The priest told me that I shouldn't be mad at myself, I should be mad at the Holy Spirit. Because we can do nothing ourselves. We have to depend on God and us being mad at the Holy Spirit shows that we are at least depending on God.

We can't just depend on accepting everything we hear, sometimes doubt is necessary in order to think about things over before you follow it. But there is a fine line in having a little constructive doubt which is what I'm talking about and having a doubt in that where your faith starts to falter. Believing with your heart is more important than believing with your mind. Doubt can create that belief within your heart if you have the desire to find truth about your doubt.

Recently I watched a movie called the Sphere. In the movie there is a giant mysterious reflective ball. The characters go to it to find out what it is. Eventually they find out in the movie that the sphere is human. The find this out by noticing that it chooses what to reflect and what to not reflect. It reflects everything except for them.

This can resemble our lives in that we choose to reflect from all that shines on us, good and evil, world and God. In our lives when we watch a movie, even a bad movie we can still learn some good things from it. We choose to reflect the good in the movie if we care about the good. We could also choose to reflect the bad in the movie, repeating what should not be repeated. But if we care about good in the world and our lives then we will choose to reflect the good in the world. And there is always good in everything we see.

The past two weeks have been kinda crazy for me, I had a lot of thins to do and my time with Jesus in the chapel needed to increase to get all those thoughts out of my head and to also think about God, but my chapel time decreased and I could feel it effect me. It also makes me nervous that I can start to notice a difference when I spend a little less time praying. I thought that because I pray everyday, missing one day would not do much, but it does. It changed me from falling in love with Jesus to just loving Him. I was not discovering anything new, but I still cared. This seems to happen in your friendships but I also wonder if this happens in our relationship. First falling in love with someone, then just loving, then knowing that you will be falling in love again. I don't know if this relates to relationships with other yet because it hasn't happened to me. My relationship with Jesus right now is changing to more of falling in love again. I just had a two week blip in there where I was distracted. I'm positive it will be rejuvenated again because I want it so much.

I may speed this up by spending 24 hours in adoration. I have wanted to do it since the days of Purdue. And this weekend looks like a weekend I can do it. I have lots of things to pray about and much Love to learn from God.

I was reading a newspaper article about the use of cell phones in high school. The response of a particular teacher was quite profound. He stated that his problem is not with the cell phones themselves, it is the message. Cell phone use in school would not be an issue if the subject they were talking about were meaningful or had a purpose to better people. But this is not the case, most conversations by voice or text are meaningless. Getting us nowhere.
I have often though that our age is addicted to information. Most information is not checked to be correct nor even corrected if wrong. We absorb everything we can by using any new technology we have available to us. But where are the meaningful messages? Our conversations have become more shallow.

Personally I believe this trend started many years ago with the telephone but has dramatically increased over the years of the Internet and cell phones. Before telephones when people got together to talk, they were only able to meet once in a while and you would have to talk about important issues and not waste your time with useless conversations. But with the phone and now the Internet we have more time available to talk about the non important issues, but this has saturated our conversations so much that we hardly ever talk about the important topics. I am not saying that we never talk about important issues in our lives on the phone and elsewhere, but it is obvious with this boom of communication technology there hasn't been a boom in the number of meaningful conversations.

E-Mail, cell phones, text messaging, Internet blogs, and AIM are all good as long as they help us grow into better humans for one another.

I was thinking about the “Tears crying for a hug” journals and how that relates to us in reconciliation. In those journals I wrote about a time where I was able to see how empty peoples souls were. I saw souls completely empty and souls filled, but what struck me the most was that those who had an empty soul and were crying inside, their sin did not matter. The sins people committed were not even in the picture.

Its obvious that those with filled souls get or have a good chance of getting into heaven. But in order to fill our souls we have to be friends with Jesus. This is where reconciliation comes in. It does not matter what sins you confess, what matters is that you actually admit your wrong. Admitting our failure is a huge step toward Christ. We are telling Him that we forfeit our own own will and pride and we accept His. We admit that we are powerless without God. We admit that we need His friendship to survive. By this action we take off our fake skin, our fake cover, our fake self to show who we really are, a child of God.

Joy through mourning, freedom through surrender, liberty through confession.

These sound like contradictions but Gods ways are not our ways. We would rather drown in our pride than show vulnerability by asking for Gods help.

One rotation of the earth, this is how long I plan on staying here in adoration. I have actually been nervous the past few days about this. I'm not sure if I can do it, but I'm going to try and not make any compromises. Its only been 40 minutes and I have already wanted to leave. But I suspect that the longer I stay in here the more I want to stay in here.

I feel like I told too many people about this and felt like I was saying, “Hey! Look at me, I'm going to spend 24 hours in adoration.” Hopefully I'll realize what kind of person I am while in here. One thing I know for sure is that 24 hours is not enough time, besides the fact that this is all at once. I have a list of things to pray about and even though 24 hours is a lot, its not enough.

This is the first thing I have done that takes a lot of faith without having a lot of faith. The other things I have done before were when I was on a Jesus high. Lately it hasn't been what it used to be a month ago. But in times were I was a month ago with things such as the 90 hour fast, multiple rosaries, and journals per day were easy. This time is different, I'm here for the same reason, to grow in faith, but I don't have that huge faith already pushing me. This will depend on more self control and desire to be with God instead of feeding off emotions. But I know this will help me more.

We have an entire lifetime to love Jesus through other people. One lifetime is a long time to love Him, but it is not enough. Our finite time cannot glorify His infinite greatness. He can not show us His love fully in our finite world either. Only when we are in the infinite word in heaven can He fully reveal His love to us.

Our finite world has limits on everything. Even when someone is receiving His love infinitely. We put a finite term to measure and understand it. This shows that even our pain is finite. As much as we brag about how infinite it is (with lies) it is only finite. This world is our temporary place to be until we get into heaven or even hell. Infinite happiness or infinite sorrows. Our eternal life will be determined by how we live our finite life by happiness or sorrows.

A while ago in mass a priest gave this homily. He was telling us a story about heaven and hell.

When the people reached hell they found a long narrow table for everyone to sit and feast. The food looked and smelled very delicious. As they say down they grabbed the silverware, but the silverware was really long, longer than their arms where they couldn't reach their mouths. As a result they all became frustrated and hungry.

When the other people reached heaven they also found a long narrow table for everyone to eat. The food also looked and smelled very delicious. As they say down the picked up the silverware and notice it was really long too. But without thinking they started to feed the person across from them at the table. As a result they became full and were relieved to be there with everyone supporting each other.

This story can somewhat describe heaven and hell and it also describes how we can live in this world. We all have the same resources as the person next to us. Will we either try to fill ourselves so that no one will be satisfied or will we fill our neighbor so that both of us can be satisfied.

Have you ever received a gift someone made for you that you cherish to this day, even if it has no use anymore. We love it if we use it or not. Why? Because its value is in the person who created it.
Is this now how we should look at each other? Each and every persons values is in their Creator, God. Not in how they help you or don't help you or whether we know them personally or not. Our creator creates our value.

Lord help me recognize every persons value, the value you have created in them. How can I take your creations for granted so much. Open my eyes to see this value.

Its taken me 2 ½ hours just to realize that I have come in here with the wrong intentions. My own desires would and are filtering what He is revealing to me. Why would I ever want to filter what God says. What He says is perfect. I thought I came in here with the intention to be open to anything that is revealed. But I secretly had my own desires I wanted to be revealed to me.

Why am I here? To find out all the things I have been wondering for so long about my life. I've realized that I can't just ask God anything. It has to be what His will is and even if I ask the correct question. Why should He answer it right when I ask. Maybe I'm not ready, maybe other things have to unfold first. The spring has to come before the rose can unfold.

I pray for my desires everyday, just because I'm praying doesn't mean that what I'm praying for is ready. It doesn't mean that I'm ready either. Just because that my prayers aren't being answered doesn't mean that they are useless and going unanswered. God always answers, but sometimes in a way you don't imagine. We don't know Gods will, if we did life as we are right now wouldn't work. Knowing our path but still be able to make choices, to me that makes us robots and not loving people.
Love is a choice. It is not forced upon us by God. If he did that then forcing us is not love. It is for us to decide if we want to love and how much. Our choice is love's freedom.

I'm not sure if we will ever learn to pray for the right things. Can we know Gods will, can we know Gods love so much that we know each and every persons plan to love and serve God and not include our own will upon them. This is perfection, we can't be perfect but we can get close to it. By getting close we will still make mistakes, but by having another close as well they will be able to forgive us easily.

I can only know Gods will by knowing His love. Knowing His love will teach me how to pray, what to pray for and how to love others. I choose to love God by knowing what He wants, only be growing in His love. Opening my heart, opening my mind, and lifting my thanksgiving to Him.

Hope, its one of the strongest attacks we can use on evil. We can give anything to save ones life. Give a peanut butter sandwich to a starving homeless man. A simple thing as a sandwich could save someones life. Not only save it but give him hope for another day as he fights to live.

When you give someone hope, it not only helps them on their outlook but it opens their heart . Once they open their heart love comes pouring in from God. What better gift to give than that of hope which in returns opens their heart for God!

Hope cuts through despair like a sword and shields us from any attack of despair.

11 Hours
It was one of those days where you just wanted to pray the rosary and get out. Spending no more than 20 minutes. That day is today. After that first rosary I wanted to leave. I can't just give up like that. I have stayed, its now 11 hours and I really don't remember the “pain” from those first few minutes. It was worth it.

16 Hours
Its 3:30 AM and I'm getting a little tired. I keep thinking how good that pizza is going to be after 12:00 mass at IPFW. I'm not hungry, but it sounds good right now. So far I have tripled the amount I have read in my life. Its all been good reading of books and encyclicals. I've got one more encyclical left for the rest of the time.

18 Hours
It is nice to be able to pray multiple rosaries for multiple people. I usually don't get the chance to do this, but praying a rosary about once every hour has been really nice.

I have often wondered why I never have been close to my parents. As far back as I could remember I was essentially running away from them. Not because I didn't like them, it may have been because I was pretty independent and thought I was more independent than I actually was. I'm thinking this started back when I just got my training wheels off my bike. That was freedom. Getting a car at 16 was nothing to being able to ride my bike on my own two wheels.

Just like my training wheels being removed from my bike I don't ever remember rejecting my parents. As I learned to bike without them I never looked back. I didn't miss them a bit, this new freedom was me. The same is with my parents, once I separated myself from them I didn't look back.
This trend continued. Obviously I still depended on my parents for things, but I never really acknowledged it. As I turned 16 all I needed was a car, gas, my room, and for them to pay all the bills. Thats what I got too. I didn't ask for those things they were just given to me. I took them for granted along with my parents. Even at this point in my life where I was a stupid teenager, making lots of friends, learning more and more to be independent I still wasn't the person who hated my parents. If there was a problem I could fix it myself, why not its my life, my situation, or my friends, at least I thought.

I bet there were many times when those training wheels were put back on then taken off again. I didn't learn right away, I needed help again. But the longer and longer I rode without using those wheels the more and more I thought I will never use those things again.

The longer I learned not to depend on my parents the more and more I thought I would never use them again.

But now,. At this stage in my life, while being very good at riding my bike I would love to slap those training wheels on mountain bike to see what its like again. I think it would be fun because I appreciate that those training wheels did for me, they got me to where I am today. And expert bike rider.
I wouldn't say I'm an expert life liver, but I have gotten pretty good at it Now I appreciate my parents and all of what they have done for me. I would enjoy them at my side now helping me, not just for fun, but to show them that I love and appreciate them.

I have never been comfortable around my parents though. I really don't want to feel like that anymore. I'm tired of being double standard, if I felt awkward around someone else I would still be with them and talk to them. But if its with my family I treat them like they don't exist. Bottom line is that I don't treat my parents like every other person I meet.

If I can't do this with my family now, how will I be with my wife 20 years after marriage. I want to show my parents I care about them, be open to them, treat them life I treat others, and just fix everything else.

Although I don't think my relationship with my wife would ever be like my relationship with my parents, but if may become more like it over time. That wouldn't be fair to her. I will promise that any change is for the better. That promise is for my wife but I'll start with my family.

This realization came from listening to “Fr. Larry Richards - The Truth.” He talks about this man he hated to be around until he died. That man was his father. He realized that Him a priest could love many other people but could treat his own family like dirt. How can this work? He never got the chance to show his dad what he is really like and he regrets it. And never got the chance to get rid of his double standard. He disliked his father and even though I don't dislike my parents the relationship can improve.

I want who I am to be my job, not for what I can get but for what I can give. This applies to any job I have now, but mostly my future career. Whatever that may be, if it includes my current computer business then I can include who I am in it. Its not just who I am, but what God has made me. To show His love to others through my business and career. In my business I do work with computers a lot, but at the same time I can talk to people about their lives and such. Also before I even get on the computer I have to communicate with them about their problem. Almost 100% of the time they don't portray the problem correctly. I have to bring out my understanding toward them. This is something I need to work on and it also shows that I need to listen to people even if I know they are wrong from the beginning. After listening to them and knowing they have vented their problems I can problem solve to fix it and then can teach them whatever needs to be taught. You listen first then teach. Teaching then listening wouldn't get me anywhere fixing the computer and also with life. Listening and then teaching is a for sure thing I want to do with my future career.

I have also been considering the option of being a youth minister. Obviously I would be a core member first, but a youth minister as a possible career. I don't have to explain how God is in a youth minister job. I do like working with teens and any teens. I really like helping people especially on a personal level. It would be one of my favorite things in the world if teens came to me even just to vent. It would mean a lot of work and time from the family. It has the crazy lifestyle I am looking for. I'm not looking for work 9 to 5. But more whenever I'm needed. Basically all the time would be helping out or planning and such. It would require understanding from my wife. At times I would need to be away from home at weird hours and days. It would include lots of meetings at our house. An open invitation to my life and because I would share my life with my wife and family. The open invitation would spread to them also.

The funny thing is that I used to be scared to death of the thought of a youth minister. But now it seems like something I think and hope I would be good at. I'm still a little apprehensive at becoming a core member , but I think I always will be nervous. Even being a core member used to scare me, but it has always caught interested me.

More recently have I been throwing around the idea of being a deacon. I could be a deacon and a youth minister as my one job, no computer job needed. This I would only start to consider after talking to my wife, and obviously already married. I don't think I would ever become a deacon then get married, if that is even possible. Talking to my wife first the deciding is a must for a deacon.

My intention was to stay in Eucharistic adoration for an entire day. 24 hours. No breaks, no leaving and this obviously includes fasting. Before I went in I thought the hardest thing would be in staying awake. Going from noon to noon and finishing up with Ash Wednesday mass at noon. I went in expecting to get a Jesus high with new revelations and other things being revealed to me. But it wasn't that way at all. No emotions were driving me. This is also the first time where I was trying to do something extreme to help my faith without having a Jesus high, emotions, or a intense desire. Obviously I had a desire to be in there, it just wasn't the extreme desire I have had before in other things.

As I walked in there and for the first couple hours I really wanted to leave. It felt exactly like one of those days where I just wanted to say my prayers and get out. Spending as little of time as I could. But I knew I couldn't give up then. So I stayed, the more I was in there the more I wanted to stay. As I was in there I noticed that God was refining me. I have discovered a lot of new things in my faith in the past months. It was nice to think pray about certain things I have already prayed about instead of receiving a new revelation. Quality over quantity is what I got.

During the time I prayed the rosary, sat in silence to write in my journal, then read. I did that pattern many times but didn't always stick to it. I did whatever I felt like. I got a lot out the first 12 hours but the 6 hours after that it was mostly reading and didn't get much out of it. If I were to do this again I would stay at least 12 hours but not necessarily any more. The last 2 hours I could barely stay awake, my Hail Marys were becoming three words long and I just couldn't think. I realized that I couldn't stay for another six hours, so I had to leave. Also staying from nine in the morning to nine at night would be much easier to stay awake. It was important to bring enough reading material in there, but also very important to not bring too much. If I prayed the rosary then read constantly without having silence then I would say that it would have been worthless. You have to let God's perfect voice speak to you in silence. The next time I do this I am definitely going to include more time in silence.

After all 18 ½ hours of adoration I've concluded many things. First the actual time alone in the chapel was only about 1 ½ hours. I spent that time standing up and praying out loud which was nice. Second is that we don't know what to pray for. We can get better at it by praying. Its another seemingly contradiction. Just like the more we give the more we receive. Third, my expectation of God is unrealistic, actually its more human compared to being divine. I try to put my own will on God when when I should be listening more.

It was definitely a good experience. I will do it again sometime, most likely during the summer and I definitely recommend it to anyone else to try.

God what is the purpose of this suffering. As this is lent I can't help but look at your death. And relate your death to this suffering. Your transition from earth to heaven was peaceful but left you in so much pain. Every ounce of your pain was for a greater glory. Will my pain be the same way. Your suffering, after it ended had and still is giving everyone hope. You would have done that suffering for one person, but indeed you did it for the whole world. What great reward you have of us entering the kingdom and what great reward we have been given by your suffering. The cross is the perfect suffering. Help me perfect my suffering so that it may help others and me. I know it doesn't go to waste but it is hard to see that right now. Your ways are difficult and my ways are false. The decision to love should be easy but there lies a beam in my eye. The beam of human despair.

Lord take the beam out of my eye, make my suffering pure. Now I do not wish to not suffer, but I wish my suffering to bring fruit.

It's been two weeks and I am still contemplating the 18 hour adoration. I didn't do the full 24 hour as planned but as I think back to the 90 hour fast, I didn't do that as I planned either. I was planning on going up to seven days. Giving in half way through at 3 ½ days I was kind of upset that I gave in but really not that much. For that I gave in because I was at my brother's tail gate party where food was essentially given to me. I wasn't hungry but I still ate.

There are many other fasting and extreme things I have done before where I didn't do them completely as planned. But even with completing those partially, these two events are where I have learned so much about myself and God. Self control is the main goal in every one of these things. Self control does much more than just helps me become more holy. It helps me learn about His holiness.

During those times, I am controlling myself to only depend on God. I learn to put aside my own desires and emotions and look at the one thing I can always depend on. Gods love.

One may ask, “How can you just depend on God's love?” First you have to believe in Him. Then He has to call you His friend. Not, He is your friend. When Jesus calls you His friend He must mean that you are there helping Him, such as helping His kingdom grow. But if we call Jesus our friend, we have to make sure we are not just calling Him our friend because He's cool and always gives us stuff. This sounds like the person who is friends with the rich person only because they are rich.

I have and do say Jesus is my friend all the time. But now I have realized what kind of friend I am. He gives me and all of us so many gifts that we don't even ask for. With all this receiving, do I make sure that I am giving back? Does He consider me as a friend who shares the same goal of salvation of me and everyone else with or does He consider me as one who needs support but does not give any back. I know He loves each one of us but am I loving Him. And not only loving Him, but loving Him for the right reasons. I cannot love Him because of what He gives me. This is not how He loves otherwise we would not be loved at all. I must learn unconditional love with this self control.

I need to work on this, unconditional love by self control. I need to start serving my Friend instead of using Him. And I need to start serving and respecting every soul because God owns them. They are His and I will respect Him and what belongs to Him.

A week ago I was sitting in the living room at “my apartment” at Dayton . My friend Zach came out of his room (where I always sleep) to ask if I lost a metal that he just found on the ground in our room. He gave it to me and I glanced at it, knowing it wasn't mine I just put in on the table next to me.

For a couple weeks before this I have been praying for my guardian angel. The main reason for this is because St. Catherine of Siena knew hers and it really helped her in knowing her guardian angel. So a few hours later after watching the “10 Commandments” on TV I looked at the metal more closely. The first side said “Guardian Angel” and the other side was “St. Michael the Archangel .” So I was like, oh wow, is this my guardian angel. Can it be the angels of angels? Who am I to have him as my guardian angel? I'm filled with doubt. But the only other thing that would prove to me that he's my guardian angel is a vision or something dramatic like that. But I don't thing that will happen any time soon. This is most likely the sign of who my guardian angel is, especially since I have been praying to find out.

Since I know who it is now I thank him for saving my life several times so far. One of the scariest incidents was nearly avoiding a highway head on collision with a drunk driver. My whole family was in the car returning from my grandma's house one night where the drunk was driving totally in our lane, we swerved completely into the ditch and back onto the road without rolling the van over or even sliding at all. At the time I didn't have a faith but I firmly believed that my guardian angel saved me and my family that night.

Today In my journalism class (mass media) we talked about reality TV shows and how this new trend is not a fad. It will be here for a while. These reality shows which are not reality create and support conflicts and competitiveness between people. If there is a show that does not have competition or conflict then it is a bore to us. Why do we seek conflicts and competition? Do we not know conflicts hinder our ability to love and competition can be a way to show our self pride? Our nation has reduced entertainment into these negative things.

This whole reality show madness reminds me of a writing by Chesterton. He said that, “ Now the reason why our fathers did not make marriage, in the middle-aged and static sense, the subject of their plays was a very simple one; it was that a play is a very bad place for discussing that topic. You cannot easily make a good drama out of the success or failure of a marriage, just as you could not make a good drama out of the growth of an oak tree or the decay of an empire. As Polonius very reasonably observed, it is too long. A happy love-affair will make a drama simply because it is dramatic; it depends on an ultimate yes or no. But a happy marriage is not dramatic; perhaps it would be less happy if it were. The essence of a romantic heroine is that she asks herself an intense question; but the essence of a sensible wife is that she is much too sensible to ask herself any questions at all. All the things that make monogamy a success are in their nature undramatic things, the silent growth of an instinctive confidence, the common wounds and victories, the accumulation of customs, the rich maturing of old jokes. Sane marriage is an untheatrical thing; it is therefore not surprising that most modern dramatists have devoted themselves to insane marriage. ” Essentially following God may not be entertaining but its fullness outweighs the entertaining factor. In society we seek entertainment instead of fullness. We have to make up “reality” shows that substitute our own idea of pleasure instead of fullness.

Our entertainment industry had made things so out of proportion that people who only watch and listen to these things dont know what is real and what is fulfilling. We have put so much emphasis on entertainment fulfilling us that no wonder people are so confused, lonely, and lost.

Entertainment is not the pleasure we need. Our pleasure is in serving others for God. That is our fullness and that is reality.

Don't worry what others think about you. We cannot let our lives be governed by what they think of us. For whatever reason we almost always let ourselves be ruled by other people; imperfect people. We are all imperfect, but how can we become the best person we can by only looking at the imperfect.

When we change our actions and thoughts by what others think we are living our lives by Don'ts. Don'ts are useful in some situations but in general they are obviously negative. If we change our actions and thoughts in our lives by Do's. This is obviously positive. We will get no where if we think of what we can't do. This is one reason we need God. He fills us with Do's and we can then achieve little things in great ways.

Letting others rule you by their opinion of don'ts wont get you anywhere either. Let Jesus come into your heart through prayer and you will find many Do's to achieve.

Lord, help me focus on what is important. That is you and the gifts you give us to achieve a joy and love that we were made for.

Our first letting go exercise was to get a stone which represents all that we hold on to and need to let go. When I received my stone I realized several things. One is that my stone was large and shaped like a diamond. Diamond because diamonds are the hardest stones and the hardest hearts in the world and large because I could have a large heart.

The past few weeks I have been struggling in my faith. I wonder if I can love right now. I'm not so sure I can, I want to love but I don't feel like I have the warm heart anymore, if I ever had that. I wish to love and to know how to serve people. I do feel like my heart is hard as a diamond but I want it to soften like a big sponge. The only way to do that is follow the one who had the most tender heart. It was Jesus, the one who's heart was able to bleed. Not just bleed for some of us, bleed for all of us. How can I achieve this. I can't, but right now I'm not even close to a soft heart or achieving a soft heart.

Lord help me recognize soft hearts that bleed for others, let my heart break for all so that they can see your glory and not mine. I wish to be selfless and wish to be less of myself. Replace me.

As I sit in adoration right now I'm reminded of a time in the St. Jude's chapel where a father and his little boy came there. They sat in the third or fourth row behind some other people. The son was too little to see over the people. The kid who was around age eight wanted to get closer to Jesus. So he asked his Dad if he could sit up closer. The father approved and he moved to the front row where he stayed there for twenty minutes.

My heart and faith needs to be like a child. A child that lives for someone and depends on someone with much trust. He trust his parents and I need to trust my parents (God and Mary), believing in them through trust so that I can go to them for help. They can help me so I need to let them help me.

In my confession I confessed that I am not trusting in God enough. I'm not letting go of things that I need to let go. I also don't feel that I'm using the talents God gave me as I should, especially in school. Essentially I don't feel I'm loving as I should.

Fr. Heft told me that I should pray for love within me and pray that I can love others. A simple task, but a hard one.

You never realize how much you love someone until you can't love them anymore. When I and most people see this statement we think of a person who we have loved in our life then weren't able to love them. But I want to apply this to God. Before I had faith I never loved. Then when I started to understand Gods love I became so thankful for it and God. But when I reach hard times like this where I struggle I feel like God is missing. But instead of realizing that I loved Him very much before, I feel the opposite. I feel that my love was not sufficient or that strong as I felt it was while I had a little more love a while ago. It's that when I realize I'm not getting closer to God I realize that before when I was growing my love was still not sufficient or strong enough for God. My love is always week for what should be given to God and I realize this when I feel I'm at my lowest level of love.

This statement does not have the same meaning when dealing with a person and when dealing with God. I know that we will never love God like we should or could, but this is the reason for this feeling.